Mamad Purbo


I don't know you but today you jumped to your violent death right in front of my eyes. It was a cloudy moment in the generally sunny day and I was going to trade some CDs in my favorite part of Shinjuku. I went there a lot and thanks to you I really don't feel like going there again.

You are not a bird, you know, you can't fly. In case you haven't heard you poor fuck, if you jump from 8th floor or so, you are going to die and it's not going to be a pretty sight to behold. But I reckon that you were not that eager to fly anyway for you were not exactly flapping your arms or something. You were just falling there solemnly posing like a doll. Funny, the moment I saw you falling, I really thought that you were a doll. A very heavy doll indeed for the next split second you made a thumping sound as if a very heavy sack of sand falling from 8th floor or something on the sidewalk. Funny, the moment I heard the sound, I really thought you were a sack of sand.

It was crowded. I wonder if you hit somebody down there. It was messy and all I did was turn away and ran like a coward I am, trembling and all. Should I thank you for not hitting me? I was so going that way. It is the exact building that I was going to. There is a CD trader there on the 4th floor. Good price and all. Maybe I should thank you. Maybe you saw me from afar and decided to jump ten meters or so before I got there. Well, thank you very fucking much for your kind consideration.

I am sorry, I couldn't make out your face clearly though. Were you grinning at me? I hope not but I can't help imagining that you were. It was your own fault you jumped on the shadowy side of the building. But I saw you all right. You were wearing brownish sort of jacket. You looked normal. You didn't have to look normal, you know. You were going to die anyway, there was no need for you to wear jacket even that it was a cold day. You could jump naked, you know. Naked.

You were taller than average. Were you about 175? You might be in your 30s, but I could be wrong. It was blurry. And you fell faster than I thought a man should fall. Really. I thought a man should fall slower than that. Neither did I see you down there in your full glory because thanks to my cowardly instinct I turned away just in time.

And boy, I never knew a man would make that much thumping noise. It really was a simple big thud, but thanks to your nice falling pose a millisecond before now I can hear your bones cracking and your flesh splatting.

Here you are as I saw you for a second or so.

For the last six hours or so I got myself a free replay of one second movie of you falling right in front of me. To tell you the truth, I don't know what to feel. I really don't. Maybe I am just dramatizing things as always. Honestly, other than watching the replays, I spent time wondering what I should say about this. Words come and words go. Maybe I don't need to say anything. After all there are over 30,000 suicides a year in Japan. At that rate I wonder if a suicide virgin such as myself is a minority. At one point or the other I even thought that I was privileged to witness the ultimate performance of Japanese dramatic art.

Maybe I was privileged. Thank you so very fucking much. But I wouldn't mind trading the one second experience for another long boring day any day. Even one long boring month, I don't know.